Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
