I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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