i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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