dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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