Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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