I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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