i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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