White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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