Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
