Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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