So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
