what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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