you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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