I faked an abortion last night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
