he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
