My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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