Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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