the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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