i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
