we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize