you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
