You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
