I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
