My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
