I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
