Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
