sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
