why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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