Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
