we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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