Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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