tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
