Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
