bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
