It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
