Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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