My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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