You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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