I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
