Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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