i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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