Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
