I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
