I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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