Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
