oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
