you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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