My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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