he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
