My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
Randomize