my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
