I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Randomize
