When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We are all done wearing pants today
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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