Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
