I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
