if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
