I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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