He uses pillows to masturbate.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
