I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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