wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
