this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
BRING THE BAGELS
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
