two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
