Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
