I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
