Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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