oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
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Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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