I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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