Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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