What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
