i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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