How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
