We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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